Slightly Doolally

Okay tis one’s birthday today and it is one of what many people call “special” as it has a zero at the end. Now to me being completly divisible by 10 is not really an occasion for applause and rapture. Now being divisible by 3 is even cooler but if i was forced to think of something special about today… hmmm.. it is the smallest number that can be written as the sum of of 2 squares in 2 ways … so there 🙂 next year is cool cos is it is the 6th Motzkin number and the year after is the 5th Bell number. Mind you last year was ultra cool as is the smallest number with the property that it and its neighbors are squareful …. it is really quite sad that I know that isn’t it?

The other cool thing is that this particular aniversary of the appearance of Steve McDonagh V1.0.0 is that is co-incides with Easter which means EXTRA DAYS OFF! YIPEE. Anyway I digress … I have reached a point where I can rightly call myself a curmudgeon and pass remarks on the brevity of skirts, inform young ladies of the risks of silletto induced bunions and tut loudly at passing hoodies. All without appearing in any way “odd”. Perhaps this will be the first year I fit naturally into my surroundings, it has been a long wait.

In honour of the day I get my VIC (Very Important Curmudgeon) card I shall now rant … Car Parks! When did we move from a time when entry to a car park involved calmness and good manners? When did it suddenly become a Grand Prix race? What is this rule that requires you sound your horn every 2 minutes whether it needs to be honked or not? Bah and trice BAH! Perhaps western europe is following in the traditions of the far east and having a “Year of the…” or “Decade of the …” and we are currently in the “Decade of the bad tempered ,ill mannered, blarging car driving bully” .. who knows .. i do hope that there will be some light at the end of the tunnel and the supermarket car parks of the world will become places of sweetness and light once again 🙂

Take a stonkingly good song from 40 years and mash it with an equally stonking song from 30 years ago…. and you get

Rapture Riders
The Doors Vs Debbie Harry

PS that smile that the lizard king gives at 00:11. .. woooo!

OK I have had several IMs about the veracity of my Phd. A couple of people doubt the fact that there is such a subject as High Energy Gender Physics for me to be a Doctor of let alone that an organ of further education would be foolish enough to give a PhD to me.

As a department we are easily missed sandwiched as we are between the gilded spires of the Department of Advanced Puppetry on one side and the overly ornate agate dome of Applied Knitting and Infra-Embroidery on the other.  However small the premises we in the Dept of High EngGen are one of the most thrusting departments on the whole campus.

Since the field requires (a) a substantial amount of liquid to act as a capture material for the sub atomic particles and (b) particle emmitters or males and females as the general public would have it. Thankfully we did not have to build a device like the Large Hadron Collider for our studies which lets face it is very expensive, takes years to build before you can have fun and requires a big hole somewhere foreign where they can’t make bacon butties and have never heard of HP sauce. Our “High Energy Gender Particle Accelerator” was much cheaper and didn’t require mining to make, we call it “The Student Union Bar”

The high up honchos in the arts departments would have you believe that Love, Desire and dare I say it … lust are made of ethereal, transcendental, supernatural stuff. They will very probably start quoting poetry and pointing at butterflies and getting all Elizabeth Barrett Browning up side your head. BAH! and thrice BAH! A Plague of government inspectors on their departments! Our research PROVES that love, lust and desire are governed by a group of sub atomic we have named the “Eroticons”

T’was over a particularly good Phal curry (** Advertisement ** you too can sample this culinary materpiece not 5 minutes from this Blog Post at the Taste Of India resteraunt ) we named these particles

The NeitherOneNorTheOtheroson  has a weight of 1 Foooarrr and spins in both directions but never at the same time and has an AC/DC charge

The Blokeion has a weight of 10 fooarrs has a positive charge and spins vigorously clockwise in the presence of ….

The Femion has a weight of 4 Fooaarrrs (but constantly worries about it) has a negative charge and spins anticlockwise

Needless to say as with Electo-magnetism +’ive will attract -‘ive and vice a versa a Femion in the presence of a supersaturated stream of plasma Blokeions will increase it’s spin exponentially and vibrates with a frequency that forms a “strange attractor” the exact mathematics at present escapes us but we have a Pie Chart, a Venn Diagram and a very nice computer model that we show when our funding is up for negotiation.

Now some would say “What a waste of tax payers money!” but to be fair it is less expensive to keep us at our studies than it is to lock us up. We know this because the University Dept of Criminal Studies tested this by incarcerating the entire Department of Advanced Plumbing and Polish for 6 months. Which I might add caused us no end of suffering as we could not get the bidet in the toilet to serve warm water!

I hope that has answered any naysayers

— Steve

This morning Val asked me, “That wedding we are going to it is in June isn’t it?
“No”, I replied, “First of May” for such is the date of the approaching nuptials.
“Gasp” said Val, “Duck Light Rowlocks that’s only a month !!!!!!!” at least that is what it sounded like.
[Editors note the !!!!!!! represents the height the eyebrows were raised]

This is one of the great bifurcations in the trousers of sexuality where males go down one leg and ladies down the other.  For a gentleman tis enough to know that there is some grub, drinkies and craic on offer. Yes tis true we have to wear a suit and perchance a tie but this is a small price to pay for an evenings entertainment in the company of ones chums.

Ladies on the other hand look at it from the point of view of how many pounds of weight can conceivably or possibly inconceivably be lost in the time available so that “the” frock which it seems is the only one in the wardrobe that is entirely appropriate. Needless to say “the” frock does not have a matching pair of shoes which now have to be bought, this leads as inexorably as day following night to the realisation that the shoes do not now match the handbag which matches the frock. Thus the cascade of female neutrinos gathers momentum. As each neutrino of anxiety bounces around the collisions releases 3 more, “Is the handbag formal enough?”,  “Can I loose x lbs in an hour/day/week?”, “What colour should my nail varnish be?” … etc etc

I could see this cascade building in Val so I invited my chums from the High Energy Gender Physics Department to attend the spectacle as critical mass is reached and the fabled intense light show known as the  FrockHandbagShoegasm manifests itself. Sadly a pair of suitable shoes where noticed JUST as we left the shoe shop and this naturally occuring dampening device spoiled what was building to be the gender particle physics event of the decade!

We are hoping that there is till enough ambient energy in the system that the  PedicureNailVarnish2ShadesTooDarkDamnIBrokeANail event horizon collapse is averted.

— Steve.  Phd. High Energy Exotic Gender Physics