Recently my medical advisor suggested a new pill that will make me a healthier chap full of vim and vigour. Sadly the vim and vigour has been accompanied with an increase in the volume of gas that I seem to be capable of producing. Indeed Norther Ireland Gas have been making nosies about implying me for their first methane powered power-station. This has lead me to search on “the google” for the correct terminology for the different types of gaseous excretion. Now we have put a man on the moon, squeezed 3000000 songs onto an iPod but we have not managed a classification for farts.
There are plenty of slang terms, Silent but Deadly, Duck up my arse etc, but this is unsatisfactory, so here I present for peer-review
The McDonagh Fart Index
The Common Fart
The garden variety; usually audible, but subtle enough to beblamed on the cat or dog; its presence is announced by a decided change in the atmosphere; in a group of people conversation may stop for a moment, but continues almost immediately
The Anxious Fart
These are common in small crowds of people like in lifts; the sound is tentative and timid, often in a series, which of course has no effect on a fart’s lethal effect on the atmosphere; these are produced when the farter lacks the strength of his convictions
The Threatening Fart
These are often quite audible owning to a somewhat moistnature of the sound, suggesting that this is more than “sound and fury, signifying nothing;” this type of fart have been known to stain undergarments… or worse .. AKA “The Mooney Cashew Special”
The Strained Fart
This is a fart that is often produced by straining, either unrelated to the fart, like coughing and farting at the same time, or in a deliberate effort to release the gas and face the music immediately
The Constipated Fart
This is often produced by the anally retentive and uptight farter; the sound is high-pitched and preluctant; people who produce this kind of fart obviously do not take any pleasure in the activity
The Pleasure Fart
These are the most gratifying because of the obvious pleasure in producing it; the sound may last for some while owing to the large amount of gas released; men are often given to this class of farting, it has been suggested, because it is the closest they will come to birthing a baby.
This list is woefully incomplete but I hope to study it closely and apply my scholarly circuits to get it published and peer-reviewed. Please feel free to contribute