of consternation, frustration and being rude to cold callers without saying “fuck”

I have got tired of telling PPI callers to “███ off” and to be frank I am using way way way to much black duct tape when I speak on the phone and it is expesive putting it over ███ and ███ and it always seems to get folded in and stuck to itself when covering  ███████ █████████ ██████.

I had a brief dallliance with the following gambit.

“I have signed up to the Telephone Preference Service which allows me to”opt out” of receiving cold calls. Professional companies use this list to ensure that they do not call someone who preferes to be left alone in the silence of their own thoughts as they try to make sense of a busy and somewhat worrying world. Please note when I said “professional companies” use it, it is both logical and rational to assume that since you are ringing me and I did not in any way seek this call that are you an unprofessional company that I would be best having nothing to do with”

… around this time i would generally revert to type …

“.. so you can ███ off and keep ███ing off till you are too tired to continue. Then you can ███ off some more you ███ing waste of ███ ███ing ██████ and not to mention my time… <click>”

The sprog Niall deals with it by just repeating “Hello” a few times followed by “Oh it is you …. the problem is dealt with and the cleaning crew are disposing of the body” and then hangs up

Taking this a step further I have experimented with a Dadaist approach with a hint of Magrite.. and it will unravel something like this.

<Ring Ring>
Them: “Hello”
Me:  And a  gushing thermos flask to you too?
Them: “Pardon?”
Me (Cheerfully): I’m tiny little kettle ! <Sternly> Admonish the kagoul!
Them: “Sorry”
Me: (Querying): You rumbling Sontaran can you not erotic newt datestamp?
Them: “errrrrrr… it is about your PPI Claim you could be owed £1000’s you know
Me (Surprised): You are leafleting!!!??? Cull my sandcastle have i been collywobbled?
Them: (Panicing a bit) : “Yes your mortgage was sold with PPI and you may have been sold it incorrectly and the bank owes you money! and we can get it back”
Me (Sounding relieved and interested) Thank Water Frock!
Them: Sorry I am having difficulty understanding you could you repeat that?
Me (loudly as if to a foreigner): TEN.SPOOKY.UMBONGO.ORGANIST.NEEDLE
Them: Who is this?
Me: (sign) Ravensfuff MacToogerty
Them: (somewhat relieved) not Mr Stephen McDonagh
Me (aghast): Heavens osSILLYscope!
Me: (dismissively) Fare wibble  & a thermometer a day keeps the pomegranate anal!
<hangs up>

It actually isnt that hard to do and can be great fun just throwing words around..

So for the now gentle readers, adieu and remember.  “If you want to marmalade tapeworms wait for Horlicks undercarriage”


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One Response to of consternation, frustration and being rude to cold callers without saying “fuck”

  1. Norman Cox says:

    You probably already know of him, but if not, you need to check out Tom Mabe. He is a US comedian and his main schtick is recording calls from telemarketers. He tries to see how long he can keep them on the phone. My favorite was when a cleaning service called and he started asking if they were able to get blood out of carpets, a whole bunch of blood and it went on from there.


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