Captain’s Log or at least a small twig

**** Captain’s Log *****
Star Date: -309011.87966133945

Location: The Planet “Mud” or “Muck” or possibly “Earth” the universal translator is not fluent in the local patois of “Culshie” so it was impossible to say exactly what this place is called it may also becalled “Cootoon” but they may have been refering to someplace else.

Longitude: 179° 56′ 39.4″ latitude: +0° 2′ 46.2″ distance: 7,940 ± 420 parsecs from the galactic core.

Pautooii the ship’s chef reports that we are totally out of Sagittarian snot nuts which he tells me are an important staple for some of the crew. Having consulted with Navops we made an unsheduled stop on planet M27/6.3 in sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha which intelligence shows as being “quite nice in a bijou hippy funky sort of way” (note to self: talk to Star Fleet about their metatext). Security Officer Spook informed me that the locals posed little threat as long as we did not talk about Flegs, Religion or Sex topics the locals take great exception to. I selected First Officer Val to join me and we left the ship in the hands of First Officer Charlie who is a Felineophore and bears a remarkable resemblance to “Spot” our Android Nos’Ql’s ginger cat which is really quite confusing at times particularly vis a vis litter tray ettiquette.

So with Flazers set to “light nap” we transported down to Planet Muck. Chief Incredibly Petty Officer “Wild” Bill Buchan

[Wifi Networks and Bar mitzvahs a speciality] beamed us down into a small white tiled room fully equipped with what appeared to be Betelgusean Mating Basins or at least something that involves tentacle like wobbly bits. It should be noted that the basins were fully equipped with lemon scented tentacle stiffening cakes possibly for tired over stressed passing Betelgusean male nonopods, this planet it seems is more civilised than we were lead to believe!

Leaving the mating boudoir we found ourselves in a brightly lit warehouse laid out in aisles filled with Mucklings pushing wheeled devices apparently constructed by other Mucklings who have yet to grasp the concept of a “wheel”. Arming ourselves with one of these instruments of torture Officer Val and I made a start…. they have a lot of strange and eldritch wares for sale in this emporium which we ascertained was called “Ceannezberries” or possible “Twoferapound”. For some reason these people feel the need to sell penis shaped things in an aisle called “Vegeeeeetablez” you can get them in Yellow and Green covered in what i can only assume is a hyjenic polycarbonate film. Officer Val also noted that they have a boxes of something labelled “Satsumas” which are infact CraqueMindWarpospheres banned on 80% of the federation worlds!

Having gone down several aisles we discovered the reason for the wonky wheels, it is customary to be rammed accidentally from behind by a trolley the wheels are deliberately wonky for this very purpose. Having been rammed from behind the customary response is to yell “Waddafecck!” at the rammer who will reply “Windyerneckinyaeejit” it is always interesting to find out these strange other worldly sociological morés and taboos.

At last we found what the tricorder informed us were Sagittarian snot nuts in a frozen bag labelled what we think said “Urine” the translator was blinking between Peas and Pees which it could not differentiate between. Discrete enquiries of a shop flunky failed to rectify the situation as the words both sound exactly the same.

We collected 48 bags of Sagittarian snot nuts and headed for the payment booths, Officer Val had paid special attention as we passed these on our search of the establishment and noted that you have to do the following. Wait until a booth becomes free then approach the portal and wave a products infront of it waiting until the machine goes BEEP which I have to say shocked me as this is “Your mother is Anderpulsian googwink abuser” in Popleusian.

Officer Val following the example of other shoppers proffered a small paper napkin from 10 forward into a flashing slot. However it seems that it needs to be a special napkin issued by “that crowd of robbing bastards at da bank” or so we told by Sarah-Jane a Ceannezberries Customer Service Person. Luckly she ignored our faux pas thinking us to be “bloody tourists” as fate would have it the machine accepts Andromedean Master Card and transaction complete we beamed back up to the ship and have resumed out 5 year mission to seek out new beer, find attractive alien females with mouths in roughly the right place, snog them and boldy go where no geek has boldy gone before boldy!

*** Log Ends ***

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