Black Holes and banoffee pie

Forgive me gentle readers, it has been a loooong time since my last blog. I  HAVE  felt the urge for a bit of a rant on occasion , but never actually  put fingers to keyboard. But something happened last week which has prompted me to do just that.

I had been really looking forward to seeing our friends Stephen and Aisling, who were coming up from Dublin for the weekend.But as the week progressed I knew there was something wrong. I just didn’t feel quite right. I wasn’t  sleeping very well, not that I ever do anyway. I felt very jittery, uneasy,nervous, a bit weepy …generally unsettled.

Then, slowly but surely, there it was,lurking round the periphery of my vision,the unmistakable shape of a black hole. Not the black holes beloved by the one and only Prof “pwooaar ” Brian Cox. No. These are the black holes that creep up behind you, surround you, smother you, suck you in and hold you prisoner in their inky nothingness.

Still , I didn’t recognise it.

Stephen and Aisling arrived on Friday and although it was lovely to see them I was really struggling to join in with the laughter and conversation. All I wanted to do was go to bed and stay there.

Still, I didn’t recognise it.

Hubby was taking them walking round the coast on Saturday so they were going to be away most of the day. I stayed in bed. I didn’t want to get up.I didn’t want to go out for a meal when they came home. I didn’t want to be sociable. I wanted to crawl away and hide under the duvet.

Still, I didn’t recognise it.

I DID go out for a meal and although I tried to join in the conversation , it was soo difficult. Thankfully Stephen(my OH) could “talk the hind leg off a donkey” so I don’t think anyone noticed I wasn’t my usual chatty self. At this point I HAVE to mention the Charco banoffee pie with banana ice cream, toffee sauce and spun sugar dessert. Despite my not being”quite right,” I was “with it “enough to register the fact that it was,without doubt, a “lick the plate” pud. Not that I did, of course.

Still, I didn’t recognise it.

We came home, settled onto the sofas, had some drinks and as they say here in Ireland, “the craic was fierce.” Brilliant conversation , stories, jokes, laughter… but I wanted to go to bed and hide under the duvet. I didn’t . I stayed up and tried to join in .I think  I managed ok.

Still, I didn’t recognise it.

Sunday morning came. I should have been going out for a drive with them and then lunch in Ground Espresso. Normally you wouldn’t have to ask twice. We LOVE Ground. I didn’t go . I stayed in bed, hidden under the duvet. I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to cry. I didn’t know why. I DID get up ,eventually.

I made a coffee and was just about to take my pills when something made me stop? Pills for UC, huge white things which invariably get stuck in your throat, check. Multivitamin /mineral pill, torpedo shaped cream one, check. Omega something or other for joints, heart and UC, gigantic brown torpedo capsule, check. Blue/ green one to stop me going “doolally” again, small torpedo capsule, ch…!!!??? Where was my “happy pill?” Had I already taken it? No , I knew I hadn’t . I had only just opened the Sunday compartment  of my weekly pill dispenser . Slowly the realisation started to dawn on me. I checked all the other wee daily compartments.Big white pills,cream torpedoes,huge brown torpedoes but NO blue/ green happy pills!!!

I broke down and cried then, but with relief.

Now, I recognised it.My depression was back.

I had got my repeat prescription during the week and had forgotten to refill the pill dispenser. I have NEVER forgotten before. Why I forgot , I have no idea. Why I didn’t notice , I have no idea. Maybe it was a senior moment, who knows?

I am now back on my anti depressants and the black hole is gradually receding into a”galaxy, far far away ” no doubt to be admired and studied by the pwooaar Prof Cox!

Lesson to self. Check your pills. Really, really frightening just how quickly the blackness returned. DO NOT want that happening again.Now just need to rewind, do the weekend all over again with MORE drink , conversation, laughter, drink , oh and DOUBLE banoffee pie :-)))