The “Traditional” Twelfth of July

The 12th July or “The Glorious Twelfth” as it is known in Northern Ireland is a day when the Loyal Orange Orders celebrate …well to be honest I am not sure exactly what they celebrate, it is something to do with being Protestant, a battle 321 years ago, a Dutch King and very possibly hobbits and orcs. The heads on the box in the corner make a point of always mentioning that “It is Traditional” and “It is part of our heritage worth keeping” but they never actually define what “IT” is… well after much research and at least 15 minutes on the internet I can cast a dim illumination on this most Ulster of celebrations.

The 12th starts at midnight with bonfires, were various emblems that “the orange” and their followers hate are burn on a bonfire. The Pope is a favourite, The Irish Tricolour is another as are Glasgow Celtic Football tops, pictures of Martin Mcguinness or sundry members of the the UK cabinet that are currently not in vogue. These bonfires are usually very very large, this is because King Billy’s horse had an enormous appendage of some sort.

Big Bonfire

The one above is around 70 feet and comprises some 2000 wooden pallets, travel around Northern Ireland on the 9th,10th or 11th of July and you will see these bonfires spring from waste ground in most of the “Proddie” areas.

King William’s father and mother were heavy drinkers and were seldom sober of a Saturday night. So in remembrance of their hero’s proud forebears the bonfire attendees start drinking in the early evening so that when the time comes to light the fire around midnight they are all mindlessly drunk, this is a requirement and rigorously enforced. On this one night of the year no age group is exempt and it is not uncommon to see 12 year old children barely able to stand up. After an hour or so the crowd will start to thin and only the hardened and drunkest will remain to continue the traditions of the 11th, these are,

1. At 3am start singing songs that have “F**K THE POPE” or “NO SURRENDER” as the hook to the chorus of which there are many. It is particularly traditional to do this at the top of your voice and follow no particular recognisable tune or be in a particular key. It is well known that William of Orange could not hold a note in his head and was never invited to musical soirées by the other kings for this very reason.

2. Ensuring that someone is left singing, find a house of a stranger any house, go up the drive and pee against the front door, if you are a female and it is your turn to pee then flower pots are the traditional toilet of choice. It is believed that King William of Orange’ wife Mary Stuart used to have a pee in the flowerpots of all the palaces of Europe. Since toilet paper hadn’t been invented in the 1600’s you will just have to be inventive ladies. It is vital that in keeping with the ORANGE theme that you drink plenty of Berocca so that your pee is in total harmony with the festival.

3. If you can find a stranger , pick a fight with him or her. In the absence of a stranger pick a friend you don’t particularly like and call him or her a “C**T” several times. Threaten to kick his (or her) “pan” in. The Pan is question is a traditional term and refers to the Pan in which King Billy had his breakfast cooked in on the morning before the battle of the Boyne. It is reputed to have been a large pan and the phrase it seems gives the kickee a good idea of the size of kicking the kicker is offering.

4.  At the mention of “kicking a pan in” several of the other attendees will cluster around the kicker in formal ranks 2 deep in the manner of the Danish Williamite Infantry offer the kicker some of the best lager in the world and sing the immortal lines “Wind your neck in you f**king eejit”. This is known as the traditional King Billy Waltz and no 11th Night is complete without it.

5. Re-locate the garden you pee’ed in, vomit in the garden. Plants are Green, Green is Irish all Irish are Catholic, Catholics are BAAAAD. This ceremonial vomiting on green things was known in times gone by as “Puking on the Papes” If you accidentally vomit on a passing hedgehog or a garden gnome, immediately claim it is a “fennian bast**d” and that you know what school it went to and it is definitely Catholic. This can be tested by asking the hedgehog if it knows all the words to “The Sash” if it cannot sing them then you are free to beat it up as it is obviously a Sinn Fein voter.

6. Around 4am the police will appear, feel free to call them “Black B*****Ds” and dare them to arrest you, urinate on their land rover then threaten to kill them. The policemen and women are used to this, they enjoy it .. it is traditional after all.

7. The Battle of Aughnasheughterayfeckincarnakilty was famed for one thing when the 2nd Warsaw Battalion of the brave protestant forces of King William were faced by 20 deadly assassin Nuns of the Bleeding Elbows of St Anthony the patron saint of Turrettes Syndrome in the greenhouse of Lord O’daDance they did not flinch but pelted the nuns with rocks of varying sizes. This defining moment of protestant culture must never be forgotten and should ANY reveller pass a greenhouse or indeed a conservatory that has more than 13 windows it is beholden on them to throw rocks at it. The cries of the nuns are remembered by the accompanying shouts of  “F**K AFF HOME YOU POLISH B*****DS”

8. The bonfire is now a dim memory, the drink has run out and the 7 Traditional Observances have been fulfilled, now all that remains is to remember the ghastly end of the Battle of Boyne where the dead lay hither and thither on the green fields. Find a garden or gutter or hedge and fall into it, get comfy and go to sleep, in the morning the house owner will be so glad you peed, vomited and eventually slept in his or her garden that they will sing you Protestant hymns of praise and make you cups of sustaining tea or coffee.

Oh I can hardly wait until next year.. I LOVE TRADITION don’t you? Don’t you? You don’t??? Then you must be *gasp* a CATHOLIC!