10 Things I would do if I was a C*O

Today it was suggested that the best sort of Chief (add whatever post your want) Officer, from now on I will refer to it as C*O was one that took long lunch breaks and indeed that is a perk that the C*Os can partake of if their mood takes them there. This set me to thinking what would I do were I one of these august personages and here in no particular order is my list of things I would do if I were a C*O.

01. Compulsory musical underwear for all board members (fnarr fnarr)
Having a pee accompanied to the theme tune from the telly-tubbies would be a great leveller and would  allow the plebs a head start should they hear a bout of tinky winkies suddenly start in the next booth

02. An In House “at work” DJ
OK that is a little like hospital radio, but I will not be held responsible for my actions if I have to suffer the indignities of Justin Drew “Spawn of Satan” Bieber and his so called R&B, or those post pubescent hair cut abominations Jedward. That is not music! It is aural diarrhoea! It is the sort of music that curdles the soul, constricts the blood vessels to the brain thus inducing a stupor that allows “Pop Idol” or “Britain has got Talent” to sneak under the wire as entertainment. A POX ON THEM ALL I SAY A POX! … and there is no place for that sort of behaviour in a modern place of work.

03.  A beanie baby on every desk
There is nothing quite as cathartic as hurling a poor defenseless beanie baby against the wall with a scream of “Grundlemargtheeeeepleastardplurasy!!!” when your C*O world closes in and becomes all claustrophobic and smelling slightly of Gin.

04. The Wednesday in the 2rd week of every month would be “Bouncy Castle Wednesday”
I have often said that the company that bounces together stays in a position of excellent cash flow. Scoff you may, but half way through the middle week of the Fiscal month is ,as the late lamented Douglas Adams might have put it “The long dark tea time of the workflow” so what better to pep up, loosen the stays of the restrictive corporate zeitgeist than to let your inner 5 year old out for a bounce and a bit of a scream?. This would also open up several new inward employment opportunities as several “heads” would be needed for bouncy castle upkeep and deployment.

05. Re-introduction of the 10am free milk
One of the defining moments in the formative years of children at school in the 60’s and early 70’s was the small bottle of free milk that you got. Oh how would you long for the moment that you would be given your straw and  you would punch it through the foil cap and take a long draw of the milk therein. Such was the efficacy of that simple bottle of milk the period between then and lunch was ultra productive. Another positive benefit was the chance of becoming “THE MILK MONITOR” which while not a full blooded prefect was a rung on the ladder of promotion for even the most lowly individual. Look what happened to the UK when that arch harridan and handbag molester Margaret Thatcher stopped the bottle of free milk, yes that was the moment the Empire started to slip away and the Britain became no longer Great.

06. All “Surveys”, “Cold Calls” and “Customer Satisfaction” phone calls would be required to pay a charity of my choice money
Prior to me talking to any of the above horde of pariahs they would have to email  me a receipt of a decent donation to a charity of my choosing, the greater the amount the more attentively I will listen.

07. The Works Canteen shall have proper decent hot curry at least once a week
really self explanatory that is .. nuff said.

08. Any and all dress codes would be abolished
Dress of a distinctive and personal nature will be actively encouraged, extra points will be awarded for wit, charm and originality .. and points mean PRIZES! The other side of the coin. Appearing at work dressed like an undertaker with a penchant for garish ties will result in penalties and removal of bouncy castle privileges

09. Anyone caught humming, playing or wearin Coldplay teeshirts shall .. well shall.. be very very very sorry!
Coldplay are the inept windowlicking bald-arsed putrid parasites scrabbling on the scab ridden arse of alternate rock whose only addition to the encyclopedia of musical endeavour is to highlight just how good real music is!. [Well I am the C*O allow me at least one dictatorial position]

10. A deal woould be sought with local breweries such that my family of trusted workers could avail themselves of cheap ale
Now I could go down the route of free beer, but then where is the incentive?. Whither the Protestant work Ethic? a Simple equation Productive Work = Cheap Beer, personally Ido not really trust those that do not drink beer, but for those that do not I will provide alternatives .. Hendricks Gin for example, or freshly squeezed pomegranate … whatever.

I being the modern and forward thinking C*O of McDonagh Industries fully endorse the idea of thinking outside of the box, envelope, duvet and in the case of Duffbert Bananaskin so your input into the planning for this brave new world is actively sought where not geeky thought has actively sought before.