That Was Then, This Is Now.

Hi it’s me again – the doolally one!

Just re-read my last post about my depression and  realised it was  all about me then, and not about me now. It’s  several years since I went a bit “doolally,” although some would say that’s just my normal state!! So this is an update on my life since my sojurn in the “funny farm.”

I am still taking my “happy” pills . I did try to come off them gradually with the consent of my doc, but  found the darkness slowly creeping back into my life.  I felt very disappointed that I wasn’t strong enough to cope without them. But then, I realised,  I have to take pills every day to help control my ulcerative colitis, so how is it any different taking a pill a day to help control my depression? Answer – it isn’t!

So here I am now, older, wiser, greyer, more wrinkled and having a great life. My darling husband is still with me (no idea why) and my wonderful son is now twenty and has turned out to be a fine young man – in spite of having a bonkers mum!

As I said before, taking the pills sorts out the medical, chemical bit of depression , but I think the main part of recovery is really up to the  individual finding ways of dealing with it on a daily basis.

These are some of the things which have worked for me.

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I can’t stress this enough. Yes it’s hard at first but it gets easier. One of my first outings was with Stephen. It was our wedding anniversary and we should have been on a beautiful Greek island, but our holiday had to be cancelled when I went  into hospital. I really did not want to go out but he persuaded me just to go for a drive. We stopped off at a lovely  bay round the coast and had a wee walk, a cappuccino and rhubarb crumble in the cafe and then home. One of the best anniversaries I’ve had – because it was another  step on my road to recovery.

It doesn’t matter where you go – walk to the local shop and buy yourself a treat (Mars bars mmmm) ; go for a coffee with a friend; get the bus into town and  if , like me you can’t  face the crowds – just window shop; walk on the beach and listen to the sound of the sea . If you haven’t got one , borrow a friend’s dog and take it for a walk. Dogs are sociable – they stop and greet each other, so the people walking them do the same. Well, dogs  tend to say “Hi” by sniffing bums – I am not suggesting you do the same! Just say hello and smile .  Yeah I know it all sounds a bit airy fairy  but it really does work. I’m not sure why. I think  being out in the fresh air does you good and this feeling is even better if the sun is shining.

When you are out, smile at people – doesn’t matter if you know them or not. They might think you are weird, but I guarantee someone will smile back. Talk to the person standing beside you at the bus stop, or in the queue for your magazine/choccy bar. They might think you are weird, but I guarantee someone will talk back. Starting  to see the pattern?

I know you are thinking “I just couldn’t do that.”  Yes you can. If  I did it, so can you. It’s all about regaining confidence in yourself. It takes time and there are  days when all you want to do is curl up and hide away. That’s ok. There is always tomorrow. Just because you are on anti – depressants doesn’t mean you wake up with a smile on your face every day .  I’m like a bear with a sore head in the mornings – but that is normal for me.You will have good and bad days – I still do. But it’s learning how to cope with the bad days that is important. Gradually there will be more good days than bad.

I started pottering about in the garden after I came out of hospital. I had always admired lovely gardens but never really thought about trying to create one myself. All we had was some grass , lots of moss, buttercups, daisies and a few shrubs and horrible, sticky , wet clay soil.

I did lots of research on the internet, borrowed gardening books, talked to the folk in local garden centres, neighbours with nice gardens and decided to give it ago. It has taken two years , a lot of hard work, trial and error with plants – but I now have a pretty garden to sit out in and enjoy. There is something incredibly satisfying about digging in the earth, putting in a wee plant and watching it grow into something colourful and beautiful.

If something isn’t growing too well , I have been caught talking to it and issuing ultimatums along the lines of “either buck up your ideas and grow or say hello to the compost heap!” But when they are flourishing I do tell them how beautiful they are and ALWAYS say sorry when I have to prune them.  Well, I am “slightly doolally” after all.

I have tried to encourage wildlife to the garden by  planting things which attract butterflies, bees and birds. I have  put up bird feeders, a bee house and a bird bath.  I also have wind chimes , wind spinners and a few little decorative garden “friends”, but no gnomes – Stephen said a resounding  NO to that. Mind you, it did take him a while to notice the fairy – tee hee!

Even if it isn’t hot enough to sun bathe, it’s lovely just to go outside with a drink (coffee, tea, wine – whatever takes your fancy ), watch the bees going from flower to flower, listen to the chimes tinkling softly, smell the lavender,  read a book or just SIT.

This does seem to be turning into one of my  gardening blogs  – sorry.  With my recovery came a new found confidence in my capabilities so I’ve also decorated the whole house, laid carpet tiles in the study, put on a new outside tap and learned a fair bit about computers. My latest venture is learning Greek, very difficult but I’m not doing too bad.

I think what I’m really trying to say in my usual waffly way is , you can have a really good life while living with depression. The saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is TRUE.

I am SO thankful I reached out and asked for help. If I hadn’t, I honestly don’t think I would be here,  blogging on the internet, planning a special holiday to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary ,  getting excited about my free bus pass (NOT ), and all the other things I plan to do with the rest of my life .

Even if the things which have helped me don’t appeal to you, there will be something which does – you just have to make the effort to find it.

If you want to follow my daft life you will find me here and on Twitter. Love to you all, stay healthy, think positive and remember, things can and do get better.  Val  🙂