Recently my medical advisor suggested a new pill that will make me a healthier chap full of vim and vigour. Sadly the vim and vigour has been accompanied with an increase in the volume of gas that I seem to be capable of producing. Indeed Norther Ireland Gas have been making nosies about implying me for their first methane powered power-station. This has lead me to search on “the google” for the correct terminology for the different types of gaseous excretion. Now we have put a man on the moon, squeezed 3000000 songs onto an iPod but we have not managed a classification for farts.<\/p>\n
There are plenty of slang terms, Silent but Deadly, Duck up my arse etc, but this is unsatisfactory, so here I present for peer-review<\/p>\n
The McDonagh Fart Index<\/strong><\/p>\n The Common Fart<\/strong> This list is woefully incomplete but I hope to study it closely and apply my scholarly circuits to get it published and peer-reviewed. Please feel free to contribute<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Recently my medical advisor suggested a new pill that will make me a healthier chap full of vim and vigour. Sadly the vim and vigour has been accompanied with an increase in the volume of gas that I seem to … Continue reading
\nThe garden variety; usually audible, but subtle enough to beblamed on the cat or dog; its presence is announced by a decided change in the atmosphere; in a group of people conversation may stop for a moment, but continues almost immediately
\nThe Anxious Fart<\/strong>
\nThese are common in small crowds of people like in lifts; the sound is tentative and timid, often in a series, which of course has no effect on a fart’s lethal effect on the atmosphere; these are produced when the farter lacks the strength of his convictions
\nThe Threatening Fart<\/strong>
\nThese are often quite audible owning to a somewhat moistnature of the sound, suggesting that this is more than “sound and fury, signifying nothing;” this type of fart have been known to stain undergarments… or worse .. AKA “The Mooney Cashew Special”
\nThe Strained Fart<\/strong>
\nThis is a fart that is often produced by straining, either unrelated to the fart, like coughing and farting at the same time, or in a deliberate effort to release the gas and face the music immediately
\nThe Constipated Fart<\/strong>
\nThis is often produced by the anally retentive and uptight farter; the sound is high-pitched and preluctant; people who produce this kind of fart obviously do not take any pleasure in the activity
\nThe Pleasure Fart<\/strong>
\nThese are the most gratifying because of the obvious pleasure in producing it; the sound may last for some while owing to the large amount of gas released; men are often given to this class of farting, it has been suggested, because it is the closest they will come to birthing a baby.<\/p>\n